Today I was shocked. When I was about to offer Maghrib, I found my access card expired when I tapped it to get out of lab. Then I decided to go back home earlier than usual (by asking lab mate to tap her card for me), although initially I was planning to stay until 12 because I need to do extra work and give some revision to my supervisor.
2 y.o. matric card
Nonetheless, it gives me a chance to contemplate for a moment of what I’ve been through.You know, when things consume us, we often don’t realize how far we’ve gone through the game. Just like this figure below.
Let’s start with what happened today. It’s a milestone.
Finally, this morning, I have got the chance to discuss the very first draft of my paper with my sup. I made some silly mistakes such as writing Y triple prime as Y double prime. And, while discussing, I realized I have so many things to learn. It made me realize how little I know about fundamental things on radar and signal processing.
I also discussed with him the possible directions of my future work. Honestly, I don’t know yet how to solve those problem. Don’t even know if I could do it or not. But yeah, that’s why we call it research. Because it has never been done before.
And that’s also how I believe myself functions. I never understand things at the beginning. But I believe I will figure it out somehow. It’s proven so many times that I always try new things and sort of figuring stuffs (even though I have no formal training on it) because I have to. I am normally an ultra lazy person but I like being challenged.
Anyway, this draft paper summarizes the work that I’ve been doing in the last two years. Not exactly two years, since I spent one extra year to focus on my coursework. I was so lucky to get the chance to continue my PhD study although I scored very very badly in my 1st semester. It was a record-breaking performance, as there was no one ever scored as low as 1.5 out of 5. I’ve written the story of this catastrophic event in one of my blog post (unfortunately it’s in Bahasa Indonesia).
I gave the draft right before I went to the airport for mudik (super-massive temporary ruralization during Eid). I was supposed to give the first draft within two weeks after my supervisor asked me to do it. However, I couldn’t manage to finish it on time, I was late about 2 or 3 weeks. It was quite hard to write paper for the first time, especially when you have no strong basic knowledge.Especially if your research is working but you don’t know why. LOL.
Restoring the trust
But, I don’t know why, my supervisor was so happy when I gave the draft. He told me that I have been working hard in the last two months (although in fact I don’t feel like I am working hard. I still sleeps 10-12 hours per day, because I believe creativity requires a fresh brain. :p.. and also luckily, the tv series I have been following is on break)
And yeah, although in the first semester he was sort of disappointed to have me as his student, after that meeting the trust was restored. He once said to me, “I thought Bandung (ITB) was good. You don’t have a strong basic, do you?” Now he said I am very smart, and I’ve grown (I don’t know why, because he wasn’t even inspecting the detail of my paper at that time).
But you know, it felt good and bad at the same time.Honestly, I favor being underdog. I don’t like it when people expect too much from me. Not that I don’t have the confidence, I am an arrogant person though, but I simply don’t want to bring too much hope. People should only put their hope to the Creator of the universe, not a person like me. (I am being a bit sentimental here).
But making progress, no matter how small it is, is a good thing. We need to appreciate ourselves. And be grateful too.
And yeah, two years
is enough for me to rediscover my old hobbies. And since I have not been involving myself into any organization, I have more ‘free’ time to enjoy those hobbies.
making a super-deformed caricature of friend
or a LINE sticker-style cartoon
realist portrait of a friend
or simply 3D pencil-colored sketch
to the moment where we finally threw it out
NTU keeps building things
renovating my favorite place
I used to ponder about life and universe in this spot. for 2-3 hours or more everyday.
not an important photo, just #fromwhereistand
and food connection is closed. canadian pizza, too. old chang kee, too.
palette, too. it became KFC
friends came and went
but Hodor is still Hodor..
Sometimes I wonder, why do people want to pursue PhD only to make this little spike:
when I get stuck on something. I’d be pondering this thing over and over again. Until I find this picture at my room:
I stole the poster from the lift while I was staying at Graduate Hall 😀
I still believe PhD is sort of intellectual exercise worth to try. And we should not judge thing at difficult moment. Everything is painful, that’s how deliberate practice stretch our skills and capacity.
Mas Tegoeh once said that I read any book other than textbooks and paper LOL
And anyway, above is the picture of some books I managed to collect during the last two years. I am planning to make some summaries capturing the very essence of those books. Initially I was planning to write it down regularly in another blog, but now I don’t feel like I’m able to manage too many blogs. So I’ll be writing it here.
And.. my ambitious project is not making any progress. But nevertheless, I love this song. Maybe because I made it on my own. This phenomenon is explained in behavioral economics.
And also recently, I made a musicalization of a poetry. But I haven’t asked permission to the author of the poem to publish it. So I couldn’t install it here.
Huftt. I don’t know what else to write for this post. In fact, I have been writing some draft of book summary. And then some topics are still wandering in my mind such as:
- the essence of business through Islamic perspective
- how our “soul” is like a battery (we may manage to increase it capacity, but it doesn’t mean it’s fully charged)
- living a purposeful life as a mean to be grateful to God
- what is the career capital for a career as a renaissance man
Everyone has their own path
This morning, my mom sent me a BBM chat. It was touching, especially for an eldest son who keep living far away from the family. As an eldest son, I could never know how to be in my little brother’s and little sister’s shoes. Maybe, they live their lives under the shadow of the shadow of me (I mean how people think of me). But, then, I myself believe in them.
I believe, although I don’t usually communicate with them like normal first-born does, they will be able to develop themselves. I believe one day they could become extraordinary people, because they have been living in an extraordinary situation which keep pushing themselves across the boundary. They will be stronger than other people, even stronger than me.All they need to do is keep going with their own ways to achieve each of their aspirations.
Just like myself. I tried to define my own path. I don’t want to be a nerdy scientist. I don’t want to be a person whose life defined by what the society tell him. I tried to live my life in my own way. Of course it brings some consequences. That’s how we live a responsible life.
I think that’s all for now.
And yeah. Now I think I should move on to do the real homework. Be it research or another nationalism-based project.