I’ve been sick for the last two weeks. I was confined in my bedroom for most of the times. (I just realised, I did write “most of the times” instead of “most of the time” unconsciously).
I used to see being sick as a means for God to teach us something apart from purifying our sins. And now I see being sick as more than that. Maybe not ‘that more’, but I am digging deeper through the meaning of our existence and our attitude as God’s servant. Especially, demise of a friend, whom I ever met in person only for four times, feels like the part of a greater lesson in a grandeur picture of my life.
I know, I might sound overusing big words. But, that depicts how I feel. I feel so small compared to the greater plan of The Book. It looks like I have 5% free will, yet 95% of my life was ruled by The Will.
Sometimes I feel freedom is overrated. People crave for freedom until they are trapped inside the freedom dogma. Yet, many don’t realise, our realising that a greater law overrules us could lead us enamoured.
Normally I’d be quite concerned, but the truth is discovering one’s life has already been predetermined is ironically liberating.
Above quote is taken from a tv series that I watch. [SPOILER ALERT FOR THIS PARAGRAPH]. Legends of Tomorrow. It is a series on the adventure of a band of superheroes traveling through space and time. Ironically, they found that free will only exists on the so called “vanishing point”. So, every heroic scenes they made up ’till that moment of realisation were not caused by their agencies.
But, it’s true. In flow theory, one of the primary tasks to achieve flow is to seek a greater picture. To find some niche to move, so our psychological energy could flow seamlessly. And in science itself, some scientists try to get out of our anthropocentric view of life.
As for me, when I got sick, I must learn to let go of many things. To rethink that my time is limited. And as I understood more about time’s scarcity, I should learn to use it carefully should the power be provided. But, then during those powerless moments I realised one more thing: I need to be happy. I need to be grateful.
Only during those times, I could feel a grain of such transcendence. Many people said that true heaven is where or when you’re with God. Some sufi even sang, “Should I bring the water from heaven to extinguish the hell fire? Or should I live in hell as long as God with me”
What’s the point of having the whole universe if remembrance of God was absent inside our heart? In this short worldly life, what’s the point of having everything a man wants if God is not pleased to you? After all, we’re the prisoner of whom we seek approval to.
So, it’s ok to be ‘sick’ as long as you are with God. But, here comes the paradox. In the companion of God, there lies the cure of every ‘sickness’.
Ok enough for spiritual-philosophical sub-theme.
As for my study, I realised that I have a concern towards education. Should I connect the dots right now, trying to produce a flipped-based classroom is an interesting idea for me. How I like to learn about how people learn. How I like to create such a youtube channel. How I aspire to better Indonesia’s education.
Yet, I know PhD is a good leverage. Many of my aspirations could be easier to materialise if I get a PhD. So must continue my struggle to finish it. I couldn’t look back. I couldn’t care less about what my supervisor will say, what the world will say. It’s about me trying to pull out the best in me to defend my life’s value.
At least, that’s what I’m up for now. I couldn’t lie to myself. Despite of my realisation of greater purpose, I don’t like this array processing field that much. But, I know I like seeing across paradigms. I like seeing parallelism across many interdisciplinary fields. I am the nexus of interdisciplinary. I am the anti-discipliner. Or whatever you call it.
And now, as I was given the chance to learn a bit deeper on this field, so let it be. I must try to grow more enthusiasm. And everything must be started with the sense of gratitude. A greater part. Because life is not always centered in me. (How ironic, I just said that I am the nexus of blablabla.. ok never mind, for the night is dark and full of terror. It’s almost 2 AM mind you!)
Anyway, in case you don’t understand regarding “across paradigms” stuff. It refers to Kuhn’s structure of scientific revolution. Here’s the story. I was doing some ‘research’ on internet balkanization. Then, I found a paper on a mathematical model of IT user agencies that will determine whether internet/IT will create a global village or balkanized cyberspaces. There, they argue that voluntary balkanization could harm our society due to over-specialisation. They also use Kuhn’s term to build their arguments.
And yeah everything is about parallelism. Everything we build is based on our pattern recognition. Our model of knowledge. Our scientific paradigm. Everything is interconnected. Yet, as it was said: it is not easy to see across paradigms from within. One must release the kraken.
I gained so much lesson by creating a YouTube channel. And more importantly, I still think that we need to have Indonesian version of the science stuffs channel. Why? Because I believe the world is not as flat as what Thomas Friedman says. Not because I bought Pankaj Ghemawat’s book, but because I believe its argument is closer to our condition (and it is still related to cultural/natural balkanization). At the end of the day, globalization that we have nowadays is not truly borderless. And culture owns a big stake in our learning process.